You used to say,
I was amazing,
whatever happened,
to those days.

All those words,
we exchanged,
probably already forgotten,
written down, away.

Talk to me again,
those phrases I yearn to hear,
laugh with me again,
revive that which I still hold dear.

How cold this world is--
together we shiver in its chilling grasp.
How small we seem--
in a vast world of duplicate misery.

Hold my hand,
I need to know,
you're here,
with me.

Huddled in this cold bleak,
the small warmth,
that only company,
can bring.

I've gone from working on ads for one of the largest auto makers in the world, #3 in the States. Being able to "pull ads out of my ass" as my creative director put it. From being able to communicate with account directors and managers thoroughly and efficiently, as they were efficient. Incomplete or nondescript job and project requests were sent back to be clarified before initiating projects.

Now I'm working as a "production designer" or so my company calls me as. But it's not far from the truth--that's what I do for one of the most difficult clients anyone will work with. Our only client actually, one that specializes in the ski industry and thinks that a ski shot is required for a ski ad. When obviously, every other ski resort puts ski images in their ads. 100% retail with a client that has it's own marketing system that makes no sense, and inner-office politics that affects the creatives. Where working late nights and busting out great work means nothing with no gratification. I was here until 4am one day and woke up at 7am to drop the project off--but any recognition? Not at all actually. Where there is only one account person, who has no prior experience and thinks that copying and pasting or forwarding client emails and project requests, not even checking any of the client requests, PDFs or miscellaneous forms. Someone I have to fight with, argue with and question every goddamn project from a small ad that sits in a corner in some random publication to retail campaigns.

I need to get the FUCK out of here.

Livejournal has become one of those things I've lost interest in, why? I'm not sure. Mostly though, it's my lack of writing overall. I used to constantly write in my notebook: notes, poems and entries. This also coincided with the amount of time I had to myself when I lived downtown, too much time really, spent hours upon hours of being alone and unfortunately, becoming trapped in deep thoughts I couldn't climb out of. It was dark and fear-inducing--in the end it was too much and too much of a bad thing.

Now, as I reflected on my weekly hours of being at a job, I'm pushing over 70 hours of working. Which that realization alone was enough to make me really tired. Around 45 hours a week at my advertising/design job, around 11 hours at the coffeeshop on the weekends and around 12 to 20 hours at my friend's liquor store. It's really not as terrible as it sounds, the coffeeshop is hardly working as is the liquor store. But it does get tiring and I have to stop and look back and wonder...though I know I would be doing nothing otherwise. The liquor store also is more of a favor, as the family I am staying with, and have been for the past 8 months, too me in without question. They expect no rent or financial compensation whatsoever, and the mother takes care of me as if I was one of her own. I have my own room, messy as it should be, and no complaints on their end. They respect my privacy, down to the cleanliness of my room. Just the way I like it.

I'm moving out though, finally, in early June. I will be moving in with my friend, who was my co-worker back when I was at my original Peaberry Coffee shop. It's downtown, and just down the hall from where I lived temporarily while finishing up school. Funny right? Came back where I started. It's an ideal situation, as I knew without a doubt, that I would need a roommate. For financial and emotional reasons. I don't do well entirely on my own. My friend's mother was saddened by my moving out--again, she treats me as one of her own.

I keep meeting all these amazing and wholly good people. I was told because I am such a good person that I attract other good people, and I guess in my own words--karma. But I feel I don't do enough or anything at all for these people, yet they do so much for me. I have a tendency to focus too much energy and time on those who really don't care about me, leaving those who do, with a leave of absence on my part. Which, really needs to change.

Is it time for change? Of course. There is always that time when I need to sit down and realize what I am doing and focus on a goal. But what goals do I have? The main priority is paying my bills on time, and ideally, paying off my loans as quickly as possible. Get my car title in 5 years, pay of my school loans way before I'm 30...which led me to a scare. 30 years old? What the hell could happen in 7 years? Reflecting back, I haven't changed much in my bad habits, they've stayed the same if not worsened with the years. In conclusion, I always come around and ask why? I never get a clear answer back.

The hardest part of anything is how conscious I am of what I am doing and what I shouldn't be doing. But I do it anyways, being as compulsive, selfish and stubborn as I am. To get closer to what I want and where I want, I need to sacrifice nearly everything, spend a few years sitting at home, watching the walls slowly thicken in dust. Which--doesn't work for me. The balancing act of life, work, finances and relationships is one where I constantly fall and have to get up again. Relationships specifically is one I am too emotional about, causing too much stress and effort that really is not necessary.

What am I talking about? This is rambling of thoughts that are current and have been existing. I re-read my thoughts from years ago and it feels like I'm on repeat most of the time. I can move, I can change jobs, I can change physical things, but in the end I'm the same person. What can I do to successfully change myself?

All I have done to get me into holes and ruts have done nothing for me in any way except for those singular moments of ignorance and bliss, they are wasted investments that otherwise provided much-needed distractions and moments of enjoyment.

I'm unhappy, that's the truth. I constantly question my career choice but choose to ignore it as I would be faced with the dreadful question of what else am I supposed to do? In a world ruled by money and one that runs on it--I have no choice to do what I have to do. We hardly ever do what we really want to do, it's always what we have to--in that we accept it and continue on with our lives. I'm scared to think that I reach those certain ages and look back and wonder what the hell I've been doing, if I've done anything at all with my life. I have all these questions but no direction. Goals? I hate those, and because so, I would never set them. Ideals? Yes. I have many things I would like to eventually have in my life, children for one. But that's a long ways away before I can properly provide for a child--let alone feel comfortable with having the responsibility.

I'm wishing for better, easier days where I will only have happy things to write about. Of course, at that point, I will cease to write or create things--as much of my creative process seems derived from pain and suffering...

Images of,
strawberry blonde love,
her hair blowing in the wind,
vivid blue eyes caressing gently.

The sun is bright,
the day is lucid
and swimming alive
with colors never seen.

She understands,
though the lack of hearing is present,
gestures and silence--
become stronger than ever.

Chattering salesmen,
monsters pattering in the dark,
she takes my hand and leads me--
to that better place outside.

She smiles and nods her head,
as my hands move deftly with no knowledge,
but yet she takes me hand again,
and walks me to the distance,
hearts high-strung and open...

I am going to recount my dream from last night, the past few weeks I've been waking up and remembering most of my dreams. They certainly have been interesting, the one a few weeks ago which I cannot remember at all anymore, was definitely the coolest one I've had so far. It's just a feeling.

From what I remember, as the chaotic nature of dreams with the sporadic events and lack of fluidity of events that only makes sense in a dream, I was meeting someone. Talking to a group of "friends" who I do not know, were holding out on exciting news for me. Turns out, this guy I haven't met yet but talked to often (in real life his name is Rob) was going to see me! What ends of happening is Rob gets irritated that the surprise is broken, but yet when I meet him it turns out it's not Rob the guy anymore, it's a beautiful chick with strawberry blonde hair. She's actually deaf, but yet with my lack of understanding with sign language, I understand her as my random gestures to show what I was talking about was completely understood by her. For the rest of the dream, I am constantly with her, at one point I was walking to a spot I knew she was going to be at, feeling my usual self, I expected her not to be there, but lo and behold, she appears smiling. The sporadic thing that kept happening as in all my dreams is something that causes fear. In this case, whenever I was inside a house/building, there were freaky salesmen who wouldn't stop talking (I could hear them) and some sort of monster I cannot recall anymore. Whenever I was with the girl, I was outside where it was bright and saturated with colors. Funny enough, the house was always dark and cold. Hmmm...Fascinating.

--

Across those streams
breathing in the vapors,
of what people are saying,
breathe in the truth,
breathe out the lies.

Standing across the streams,
forever and alone tonight,
please see me through smoke & mirrors,
through illusions and confusion,
across the stream.

I'll be waiting,
in this place,
I never meant to go,
across the stream.

Falling into,
with these feelings,
into vapor, smoke and mirrors,
where you'll be waiting,
across the stream.

Is the thought--
of an empty bed,
so frightening...?

Do you need,
that touch, the kiss,
that means more to others,
than the emptiness it feels for you?

How does it feel,
selfish as you may be,
thoughts only focused,
on only your goals.

What is life?
Without others,
the connections, the emotions,
the heart throes and breaks?

An empty life,
only reciprocated by such an empty soul,
but how heavy emptiness can be,
crushing this fragile soul...




























...

Is it worse that life is shitty or that we live in these shitty lives? Or perhaps it's just that we make it so.

The day is just breaking,
the dawn shimmering
beyond the distant
horizon.

The night is just setting in,
twilight becoming
dusk--
as all fades into black.

Two lovers
are intertwined,
as two become broken,
struggling to find another piece.

A gathering and one
enters the world,
as another leaves
alone and tired.

A start to the end,
a finish to a beginning,
that which is created
is demolished to dust.

Become one,
become all,
as children laugh in the streets,
as all of this becomes wrinkled memories...

I'm in danger of losing my license, but more on that later.

If you remember, I totaled my car almost exactly a year ago. My friend was sitting in the passenger seat and broke a bone in his right hand, putting him out of work, as well as hitting his head on the window resulting in his fourth/fifth concussion. If you know about concussions, they get worse with each consecutive injury. He received a lot of medical treatment for his injuries...costly really. I was not affected at all. Only court, tickets, driving school, and a large amount of money that I will never acquire again.

Now, the lawyers that work my friend are giving me the warning: if my insurance company doesn't give them the full amount they are asking for, they will go after me to do so. My insurance company apparently has been terrible to negotiate with and will not settle on their amount. Where does this put me? Fucked. I don't have 13,000 to pull out of my ass. I have enough in loans to buy a small house.

It all comes to this: money. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm thinking of a long drive soon to New Mexico. If you need to find me when I'm gone--that's where I'll probably be.

Solitary figure
sitting alone
the expanse of space
horizons are lines unending.

Her silhouette
a stark contrast to
the grey and blues of
the empty spaces.

5:30 PM
twenty-second day
of another year.

All around the sky
is dying,
and the day is dim--
retiring.

A silent world
you live in,
as all these people
are passing.

Your figure becomes,
smaller--
joining those other
distant figures,
slowly becoming
part of this
landscape.

Only a speck
in this vast image.

The sky is a
vast painting,
an image of awe,
beauty--
constantly erasing
and recreating itself.

As solitary figures sit,
walking or running,
as lovers share space,
in this moment in time.

As man-made suns
becomes brighter than
the lowering sun...

It's a devastatingly beautiful winter day.

The park holds no trace or sign that it's winter. No snow, only the lack of green abundant leaves...though surprisingly many trees still retain their leaves, braving the impending days of snow and cold weather that always come much later into the expect season.

The vibrant, golden sun creates a harsh light, causing anything to be reflective to become brilliant. Shadows become twice the size of their sources. The wind itself is warmed by this sun, once chilled, now a soft breath from a living being.

A closer look and one can see that the grass though now mostly a rustic sheen, can be green. Despite the weather thus far, despite the time of the year, the sun is vibrant, the air is warm with soft breezes and the grass and trees that gather are still very alive.

Children are playing, other patrons of the park are leisurely enjoying these days with reminisce, as if the days of summer never existed and truly were not only but a short time ago.

And so I sat there, once again, on another beautiful and melancholy night. Stars were out with the clouds passing away, allowing the full light of the moon to glimmer and shine upon the surfaces. Those same lonely souls on that sad carousel that never ended were still there--with me present it seems that some things truly never changed. I brought a cigarette to my lips and lit it hastily--quickly sucking in the fumes. The smoke curled around me, wrapping around the silhouettes of figures in the park. I was shivering, but not from the chill of the night. Clattering behind me from an unknown source encouraged me to walk away from my viewing spot of the park, the dark of the night enveloping as shadows moved in the trees around me. I turned on my engine slowly, while lighting another cigarette. Tremors began setting in as I began driving, despite the heat streaming from the vents of the vehicle--thoughts of where I have been, what I have done, what I used to be, began crushing my very soul...

I finally bought an optic mouse. Right--I've been using a ball mouse, the original one that came with my computer since '04 until now. Most people gasp at this fact, I didn't notice any issues. Just thought it would help me play my Counter-Strike: Source better. Which it does, immensely. Now I just need a new computer...

Breathing slows,
heartbeats erratic,
this body molded into clay,
a pleasant panic.

Beauty that seeps
into the pores,
spreading through
blossoming a thousand desires.

At a glance,
and everything absolved,
a still moment,
and the mind becomes simple.

But impossible,
and only dreams,
of transparent situations,
will be the closest thing.

So I will stand,
miles upon miles away,
as thoughts of wonder,
play wistfully before
these shimmering eyes.

Sleep where I stumbled and fell,
retching life and remnants of last being,
an unappealing rest-...

The appearance of several souls,
unforgiving with distant gazes,
without a sense of friendly grace.

That which brings fear,
was only met with absence of reluctance and questioning,
only feelings of disdain and acceptance.

The edge to which I've walked so near,
the space between here and there crumbling at my feet,
the dirt of my trespasses
crawling on my skin and vision,
with eyes open beyond normalcy,
seeing the untrue,

Is it now a dream,
a perpetual awakening,
what more fitting of a punishment,
than the inability to escape.

A coward am I,
or a hopeless one with a unfulfilled wish--
unable to bleed,
only to sleep.

The greater the man, the greater his success––or his fall.

With more power comes more responsibility, it is no wonder that the quote from the Spider-Man chronicles is so poignant. "With great power comes great responsibility." Sometimes, we don't know why we have the abilities or characteristics we have, but we use them to whatever potential we wish them to. Unfortunately as any action has consequences, as does this. (See my previous writing about balance.)

The most interesting thing of all is the time that a man has before they die. It either goes one of two ways, a time of delusion and without restrictions, or one of solace and reflection. The latter is how I feel and I can't help but feel whether this is right or wrong.

Prevalent thoughts that I feel look at life objectively, as well as in reflecting on my own life. Life is the ultimate system of balance, you cannot have anything without a reason, as therein lies a reason for all events whether we accept this solid truth or not.

Balance, as the concept of yin and yang, for equilibrium to exist, there is always an opposite but equal force (Einstein states this). Day and night, the ever persistent battle of good versus evil. Despite all efforts, nothing will really change, however, this does not mean must allow things to become worse. Our efforts will help keep things in balance, which in some cases seems to have its natural and constant balance, as we have influenced one pulling side far too much.

For every person helped; another is ignored. For every person who is told they are loved; another's heart is broken. Gaining experience is positive, but growing often is painful. The diamond in the dirts of life.

In this, the rich and powerful remain so as there are the poor and powerless. The poor and powerless cannot simple be alleviated of their status, as to allow them to simply become wealthy in materials and power, will upset the balance of the already existing rich and powerful. It is not a just hand that rules this world, rather one that tries to keep the imaginary scales balanced, as quickly as they change. As there is so much beauty in this world, there is a great amount of sadness. As much joy exists in the world, there lies the ever-deep voids of despair. This inevitably affects how our lives live themselves out.

In my life I have seen much elation and depression, with old life comes new death. In this, I have become, through death of my father and absence of my mother, an orphan. I have no close relations to my family, as in the situation of having your parents in a home you can visit. I have unmeasurable freedom in my personal choices and what I do with my life. Someone who has close family ties are often restricted in their personal lives due to the family's influence and are often obligated with responsibilities. However, the family exists, offering support, love and unconditional help. I am alone, with no one to go to, I have no place to call home, just an apartment I rent with monthly payments.

I have disappointed hearts as mine has too, been fractured. We love misery and joy equally, whichever is appropriate for the time. We indulge in our personal depression just as we consume those moments of bliss. One can be charitable and equally self-centered.

In this balance and the only way to truly maintain stability while changing weights on either end, is to attain true neutrality. Unfortunately, our human natures will not allow that to happen. This is also contradictory to what I have been saying, as the many that would support such an idea, there would be the those who would oppose it. And those who would deviate from either position and carry no concern for the issue (the latter being another side that maintains no weight?).

Some call it fate, I prefer to leave it as an idea, a concept that everything in our lives the way it is meant to be, beyond our personal control. As times change and there are new developments, conditions and players of the balance will adjust, but the purpose of the balance remains. Developments of societies and nations does not come without an opposing factor: war, pollution, degradation of the earth. As we consume resources to advance, other aspects must decrease in value and integrity.

This life, is simple in nature and in purpose and intent, the effects are what we consider complications. In these difficulties, I cannot enjoy life as I wish, without having to endear those hardships, and great happiness does not seem to be in my future.

I have had experiences and met enough good people, I feel I have seen enough. Whether I am 22 years old or 80, there will always be be things left to be done, places to visit, sights to see, experiences to gain. Must our lives be so full? Why are we not satisfied? Who is to say on either front. Eating is perhaps the best example this. Instead of eating to completion, feeling heavy and expanded. I eat just enough, until I am satisfied. In death, I will hold no regrets.

It's this odd nature of life, how terrible and evil things must exist and thrive just as all that is whole and true does. It's these frustrating events in life that I live in that causes unnecessary vexation and a thorough lack of understanding. That I feel exhausted, I lack passion for anything, that zeal and inspiration no longer stays with me.

The more I delve into materialism and races of the world, the more I can step away and look at everything objectively. It is easy to become caught up in the events of life, just as simple as it is to be completely detached from it. Events and futility are but distractions, as are wandering thoughts and isolation.

Life is a perpetual struggle that we are all caught, in between two opposing sides maintaining that balance as we try to stand still.

The only constant and simple thing in this world is the world we live in. The beauty is just beauty. Nothing more. It does not have emotions, good or hurtful. It's the struggle, my inability to endure and bear burdens born out of joy, that makes me desperately want an escape. I want to be taken away from all this, and as Dickinson wrote, it only comprises my thoughts in a simple phrase: "Much madness is divinest sense." An unfortunate truth.

So I am starting the fourth season of this show. First two shows, fantastic. But that's when it started going downhill. The repetition of events, the lame and faulty aspects of the characters. What an asshole and loser Nate is. How Dave is this pathetic, weak guy who can't fight back.

Then I realized, this is how life is. The frustrating and boring moments of Six Feet Under, isn't that how life is? Moments of joy, hilarity, and the occasional contrasting emotions.

Still, I have a hard time putting up with this show. For some reason, I feel have I have to finish this. I am just awaiting the final scene with Sia playing.

I don't know if I like this show is what I am saying, great idea and it moves me enough that I'll sit grinding my teeth and bitching at my TV screen until I am done.